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Health & Fitness

Managing "Push Back"

Avoid battling over tutoring with your student by following this advice.

When a student announces that he or she no longer thinks they should continue (or start) tutoring, parents have an opportunity to model effective reasoning and problem-solving skills and can help position this decision in a way that makes it, and similar decisions, go better in the future.

First of all, you really do need to listen to what he or she is saying.  In some cases, you may be very clear that your own decision is the correct one.  In some cases, you will be right, but it may be that there is more you need to hear from him or her about this.  You may actually come to understand something new about the situation and end up agreeing, at least to some extent, with your child.  If that is not the case, however, he or she still needs to feel you listened with an open mind.  "Reflective listening" is a good technique.  With it, you give your full attention and follow with reflective comments such as, "It sounds like you really feel confident on your own," and, "I notice you are really frustrated with how busy your schedule is."  You will find it easier to get him or her to see your point of view if you clearly show that you see theirs, regardless of whether you agree with each other.

Next, you must manage the conversation in a way that allows your student to feel heard but does not give the sense that you are abdicating decision-making authority.  Stress that you understand the desire for a change, and that you are going to evaluate things together.  In most cases, parents are in fact ultimately going to do what they themselves feel is right, and you should not forfeit your authority and your responsibility to enforce what you believe is best.  However, your decision, if contrary to what your child wants, will be better accepted if it is part of a process rather than given as an ultimatum.  Should you end up agreeing, your student will feel that it was a process and that it was not a "victory" that was gained by simply asserting a want; it will help your child to avoid thinking that the same thing will apply next time an important decision is to be made.  This is a chance to teach your child that decisions are often gray, not black-and-white.  It's not a yes-no situation about whether tutoring is appropriate: it is a matter of finding the balance of the advantages and disadvantages of tutoring at this point in time.

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When the subject first comes up, it's fine to have a conversation about it in the moment, but if there is not a clear agreement, it is wise to make a plan to "sit down together and evaluate the situation."  It can be helpful to stall this by hours or a day or so, so that you don't have this conversation at every whim of your child or in a moment when agitation is present.  Perhaps you can sit down at the kitchen table for a "meeting."  A "meeting" raises the status of this decision from a casual request or complaint, making it more of an "important family consideration" rather than a simple power struggle or convenience.  One effective way to both help a child feel "heard" and to ensure that some of your points get through is simply to write things down at this meeting.  Take a tablet and make a two-column chart headed "+" and "-".  Ask your child to list as many considerations as possible for both sides.

If your child is not feeling receptive and will only list ideas supporting what he or she wants, your best response might be to say, "Looks like you really aren't ready to consider both sides, so I don't see how we can make an informed change.  Guess we'll keep things as they are for now."  Hopefully, though, gentler coaxing will be effective.  If it ends up that the child only lists one side and the parent only lists factors on the other, it isn't effective problem solving.  You can help, perhaps, by showing active agreement on all points you can.  "Yes, I agree that it is a drag to have to drive there every week," or, "You're right.  You already work harder than a lot of kids.  It would be nice if it were equally easy for everyone."  Initially, you want him or her to come up with all of the ideas on both sides, but you can encourage things by coming up with some consideration/s in their favor: "Oh, and one disadvantage is that Mary is great with your reading work but no help on the math."  When you model being receptive to both sides of the argument, you might find that reflected back to you.

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On the other hand, many students will be open to looking at both sides from the beginning as long as you have framed this as a genuine dialogue and not just "parental discretion."  If they feel you are hearing their concern, they may well be willing to accept their situation knowing that you understand why they feel as they do.

Some families may even want to make an “academic review meeting” a regular monthly event.  In the end, the most desirable outcome is that, regardless of which decision is made, your child concludes that this was not a black-and-white, win/lose situation.  You weighed the options and made the best choice you can for now.  The decision is one that applies now but may be revisited again when the balance of factors may be different-- perhaps because academic demands, extracurricular schedules, grades, behavior, or something else has changed. 

The odds are that this is a decision you will need to revisit at other times in the future, whether it is next quarter or in a few years when new school demands create new challenges, so teaching a process will serve well for next time this or other similar decisions are pending.

http://www.qwertyed.com/blog/managing-push-back

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